2007 Feedback Exchange Post
Nov. 15th, 2007 10:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alianoraI decided to play in the Feedback Exchange this time around, because Im always looking for more feedback - hopefully constructive stuff.
My lovely person to feedback is![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
redwinevinegar, who writes in several fandoms that I read in!
The Office:
MS Office - Andy/Kelly
Ahahaha. I really enjoyed this story. I dont read alot of Office fic, and I really havent read much since the merger actually happened.
So! For starters, building the story around the different programs in microsoft office is a very cool way to structure a story. It helps to set up the whole idea.
Andy had known in a flash exactly what it was that Miss Kelly Kapoor needed when she looked up at him from her Lip Gloss Drawer and burst into tears. “Oh, God, Andy…” she gulped, "I don't know which one to pick! At first I thought the Starlet Lipslicks was totally cute, but then I looked at my shoes and it just didn’t match at all and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I put it on, so then I chose the Cherries In the Snow because I always look super hot with classic red but then I looked in the mirror and was like ‘Ew’ so that one totally didn’t work out, and-- And I just don’t know anything anymore!”
Andy is adorably goofy here, when he swoops in with his mad spreadsheet skills to rescue Kelly from her lip gloss/lip stick/lip stain confusion. He is confident! He knows exactly what he is doing! He is rescuing the fair maiden!
I really enjoyed Andy's characterization throughout this. He takes Kelly's quirks in stride, seeing to chalk it all up to some nameless "girl thing." I like the small inclusion of his sisters, and how they all agree that Kelly isnt over Ryan. I like that it mixes things that take place at Dunder Mifflin with what takes place out of it. The picking out of paint for Kelly's living room is fabulous.
By the end of the day, Kelly was blowing kisses all over the place, which was kind of distracting to Andy as he tried to quantify her evals so that he could make use of that sweet chart function.
The first two sections are the strongest, in my opinion.
EXCEL has the best quotes, although OUTLOOK has a few good ones too. In my opinion, the strongest line, and probably the most telling, is from OUTLOOK:
How do you miss someone you spend eight hours a day with?
To end that section, Andy solemnly sends her a meeting request for a real date. How awesome is that?
POWERPOINT is weaker in my opinion, although still amusing, and very very Andy. Can't we all see Andy coming up with a powerpoint to explain to a girl that he loves her? and I was really disappointed to not see Part II: Andy Bernard, More Than A Rebound Guy.
PHOTOSHOP is cute and funny, and i love the fact that Andy leaves a toothbrush and a stick of butter at Kelly's place. Its both weird and strangely endearing. I do find it sad that Kelly still seems to want Ryan. And her reading cnn.com threw me. Maybe I missed something on the show, but that seems wildly out of character, even for depressedKelly.
America's Next Top Crazy Bitch - Angel
Tyra makes me want to stab things, and yet, there is something so very addictive about America's Next Top Model. I dont watch it religiously, and I never know any of the girls' names, but when I saw a drabble series writing the fabulous Cordelia Chase into the show? Oh, hell yeah.
And really, this stole my heart with the very first drabble. Where Lorne is teaching Cordy how to cry on cue. And without getting all snotty. And he would enter in a heartbeat if he could.
I would love to see more Lorne. Or Angel, even on the phone, all uncomfortable.
Bathe in Blood - Gilmore Girls
There is a very interesting voice here - Jess is talking, but the form of the story flows in a way that I like, but I had to reread a time or two to really understand what was going on in his head.
I love the book metaphor when applied to Rory and life, because its true, Rory would find any book he hid anywhere, and she would read it to the very end, not realizing why she shouldnt.
Every time they end up making out on her bed, on Luke's couch, on Lorelei's kitchen table, on the hood of his car, hours and hours of hands divine slow -- he hopes she fucking loves what he's touching.
and there is something about that line that makes me go "guh."
I love Jess's half ashamed daydreams of getting to watch Rory get older. Get hips, get frown lines, gain weight and not fit into her jeans. And his reaction to her Cosmo magazine is so very very Jess.
Nine Women You Leave Behind - Firefly
Ive been a big fan of this setup for fic lately - teeny little drabble snippets of character's lives. In this one, its one woman the crew members have left behind them.
Inara's catches my attention immediately. The woman she left behind was either her mother, or the life her mother wanted her to have. I really loved this line:
Of course she was delighted when Inara was accepted into the Guild, but she honestly thought Inara would complete her education, work for a few years, and then she meet some handsome up-and-comer with whom to settled down to raise a family.
It seems like something that my mother would think.
Jayne's drabble i find to be a fascinating idea - a woman can narrow the possible father of her baby girl down to three men. And when her daughter goes to the Madame for work, Nellie carefully draws pictures of the three men to give to the Madame. So that if they ever show up there, there won't be anything squiky.
I think i find this one so interesting because it ISNT about Jayne, really. It barely touches on him, and its something he never knows. The other drabbles all have interaction with the character in question.
I also find this little line:
When Nellie left, the Madame smoothed out the drawings and tucked them away with all the others.
very telling of life in the verse. I find myself wanting more of this story. I want to know more about Nellie, more about Rosebud, more about the Madame and how she takes care of the girls.
River's drabble makes me uneasy. Im not sure if the implication is supposed to be that some jealous sixteen year old got her Daddy to transfer River to the scary curriculum or not, but thats how it reads. Eek.
Bizarrely, Ive been working on a drabble series involving Simon's fiancee. Whose name is Victoria. and the invitations had been sent and she was humiliated. I had to go and double check that i hadnt lost my mind and really had written something like that. and i have! so, needless to say, i found this part to be full of deva vu and confusion. *grin*
In Zoe's section, is this a typo? Batik engulfed uniform as Aly squealed with delight. it seems to be a sentence fragment, and makes absolutely no sense to me. Am I missing something?
Mal's section is another one where the person doesnt have much connection with the character. His executioner. I find this section puts me in two different minds, of "yes, but," and "not Mal!" I think the last line could stand to be stronger, to end both the drabble and the whole series.
I very much enjoyed getting the chance to read these fics! Nine Women was probably my favorite, but that might be because Ive found myself playing with this format alot lately. I would've liked to see a few more things tweaked here and there - specifically last lines. I like fic to end with a punch, something very memorable. And it might be a format issue. I tend to leave my last lines on their own line all by themselves, because Im freakish like that. But, I have VERY much enjoyed getting to read and feedback in several fandoms, and I hope this was helpful! If you would like clarification on any of my feedback, please feel free to ask!
My lovely person to feedback is
redwinevinegar, who writes in several fandoms that I read in!The Office:
MS Office - Andy/Kelly
Ahahaha. I really enjoyed this story. I dont read alot of Office fic, and I really havent read much since the merger actually happened.
So! For starters, building the story around the different programs in microsoft office is a very cool way to structure a story. It helps to set up the whole idea.
Andy had known in a flash exactly what it was that Miss Kelly Kapoor needed when she looked up at him from her Lip Gloss Drawer and burst into tears. “Oh, God, Andy…” she gulped, "I don't know which one to pick! At first I thought the Starlet Lipslicks was totally cute, but then I looked at my shoes and it just didn’t match at all and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I put it on, so then I chose the Cherries In the Snow because I always look super hot with classic red but then I looked in the mirror and was like ‘Ew’ so that one totally didn’t work out, and-- And I just don’t know anything anymore!”
Andy is adorably goofy here, when he swoops in with his mad spreadsheet skills to rescue Kelly from her lip gloss/lip stick/lip stain confusion. He is confident! He knows exactly what he is doing! He is rescuing the fair maiden!
I really enjoyed Andy's characterization throughout this. He takes Kelly's quirks in stride, seeing to chalk it all up to some nameless "girl thing." I like the small inclusion of his sisters, and how they all agree that Kelly isnt over Ryan. I like that it mixes things that take place at Dunder Mifflin with what takes place out of it. The picking out of paint for Kelly's living room is fabulous.
By the end of the day, Kelly was blowing kisses all over the place, which was kind of distracting to Andy as he tried to quantify her evals so that he could make use of that sweet chart function.
The first two sections are the strongest, in my opinion.
EXCEL has the best quotes, although OUTLOOK has a few good ones too. In my opinion, the strongest line, and probably the most telling, is from OUTLOOK:
How do you miss someone you spend eight hours a day with?
To end that section, Andy solemnly sends her a meeting request for a real date. How awesome is that?
POWERPOINT is weaker in my opinion, although still amusing, and very very Andy. Can't we all see Andy coming up with a powerpoint to explain to a girl that he loves her? and I was really disappointed to not see Part II: Andy Bernard, More Than A Rebound Guy.
PHOTOSHOP is cute and funny, and i love the fact that Andy leaves a toothbrush and a stick of butter at Kelly's place. Its both weird and strangely endearing. I do find it sad that Kelly still seems to want Ryan. And her reading cnn.com threw me. Maybe I missed something on the show, but that seems wildly out of character, even for depressedKelly.
America's Next Top Crazy Bitch - Angel
Tyra makes me want to stab things, and yet, there is something so very addictive about America's Next Top Model. I dont watch it religiously, and I never know any of the girls' names, but when I saw a drabble series writing the fabulous Cordelia Chase into the show? Oh, hell yeah.
And really, this stole my heart with the very first drabble. Where Lorne is teaching Cordy how to cry on cue. And without getting all snotty. And he would enter in a heartbeat if he could.
I would love to see more Lorne. Or Angel, even on the phone, all uncomfortable.
Bathe in Blood - Gilmore Girls
There is a very interesting voice here - Jess is talking, but the form of the story flows in a way that I like, but I had to reread a time or two to really understand what was going on in his head.
I love the book metaphor when applied to Rory and life, because its true, Rory would find any book he hid anywhere, and she would read it to the very end, not realizing why she shouldnt.
Every time they end up making out on her bed, on Luke's couch, on Lorelei's kitchen table, on the hood of his car, hours and hours of hands divine slow -- he hopes she fucking loves what he's touching.
and there is something about that line that makes me go "guh."
I love Jess's half ashamed daydreams of getting to watch Rory get older. Get hips, get frown lines, gain weight and not fit into her jeans. And his reaction to her Cosmo magazine is so very very Jess.
Nine Women You Leave Behind - Firefly
Ive been a big fan of this setup for fic lately - teeny little drabble snippets of character's lives. In this one, its one woman the crew members have left behind them.
Inara's catches my attention immediately. The woman she left behind was either her mother, or the life her mother wanted her to have. I really loved this line:
Of course she was delighted when Inara was accepted into the Guild, but she honestly thought Inara would complete her education, work for a few years, and then she meet some handsome up-and-comer with whom to settled down to raise a family.
It seems like something that my mother would think.
Jayne's drabble i find to be a fascinating idea - a woman can narrow the possible father of her baby girl down to three men. And when her daughter goes to the Madame for work, Nellie carefully draws pictures of the three men to give to the Madame. So that if they ever show up there, there won't be anything squiky.
I think i find this one so interesting because it ISNT about Jayne, really. It barely touches on him, and its something he never knows. The other drabbles all have interaction with the character in question.
I also find this little line:
When Nellie left, the Madame smoothed out the drawings and tucked them away with all the others.
very telling of life in the verse. I find myself wanting more of this story. I want to know more about Nellie, more about Rosebud, more about the Madame and how she takes care of the girls.
River's drabble makes me uneasy. Im not sure if the implication is supposed to be that some jealous sixteen year old got her Daddy to transfer River to the scary curriculum or not, but thats how it reads. Eek.
Bizarrely, Ive been working on a drabble series involving Simon's fiancee. Whose name is Victoria. and the invitations had been sent and she was humiliated. I had to go and double check that i hadnt lost my mind and really had written something like that. and i have! so, needless to say, i found this part to be full of deva vu and confusion. *grin*
In Zoe's section, is this a typo? Batik engulfed uniform as Aly squealed with delight. it seems to be a sentence fragment, and makes absolutely no sense to me. Am I missing something?
Mal's section is another one where the person doesnt have much connection with the character. His executioner. I find this section puts me in two different minds, of "yes, but," and "not Mal!" I think the last line could stand to be stronger, to end both the drabble and the whole series.
I very much enjoyed getting the chance to read these fics! Nine Women was probably my favorite, but that might be because Ive found myself playing with this format alot lately. I would've liked to see a few more things tweaked here and there - specifically last lines. I like fic to end with a punch, something very memorable. And it might be a format issue. I tend to leave my last lines on their own line all by themselves, because Im freakish like that. But, I have VERY much enjoyed getting to read and feedback in several fandoms, and I hope this was helpful! If you would like clarification on any of my feedback, please feel free to ask!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-12-07 12:45 am (UTC)I must apologize profusely for taking a million years to reply -- I was traveling & working overtime & lost track of this.
I'm reading this now, and I want to thank you for spending your time thinking about my stories! It's really gratifying.
-"I really enjoyed ____'s characterization" is my all-time favorite response. "Strangely endearing" is my favorite side of Andy.
-I will totally write an Uncomfortable Angel into the ANTM/AtS! I've gotten behind on watching that show, but I haven't abandoned it.
-Man, I haven't looked at the GG fic in ages. I had such a big crush on Jess that I definitely gave him too much credit (now that Heroes is a hit, I do feel validated). But I'm glad you found something interesting in this (overidealized) male perspective on women's issues.
-The Firefly fic was intended to flesh out the verse (that's the real main character, I supposed)... Thanks for your thoughts on each fragment. That's awesome that you've got the same Simon!Fiancee -- I'll take that to mean that the show implies such a strong possibility of such a character that many of us picked up on it. If you ever write that story, I'd love to read it!
All in all, I really appreciate that you took the time to respond so thoughtfully! I'll definitely keep some of your structural & stylistic ideas in mind the next time I sit down to write.